10 years ago I had to learn how to un-shallow myself.
At that time, I was obsessed with my ex and could not stop thinking about his giant arms and perfect face, months after we broke up. I day dreamed about it and missed the shit out of the version of him I created in my head.
At the same time, I had a guy that was trying to treat me like an absolute princess, but didn’t look like the guys I was traditionally attracted to, and wasn’t stereotypically the guy I went for. We can call him J.
After 3 months of trying to date a very-avoidant me, I ended up pushing J away to basically spend more time obsessing over my ex. The ex and I didn’t get back together. I don’t even think we had a conversation. I remember running into him at a bar. I remember having sex. And I remember crying…a lot.
Eventually, through a lot of pain comparing every man with a penis to my ex, I realized what I was giving up with J. I realized I put more weight into abs and a law degree over a man who wanted to show up for me and love me for who I was. I put months into working on myself, apologized my ass off, and he agreed to work on things with me.
That took a lot of journaling, and a lot of looking inward. I discovered this ugly habit of mine was directly connected to my own self esteem. If I liked myself, and honored myself, it wouldn’t have mattered what anyone looked like — the connection would have mattered. The love he was willing to give would have mattered.
J & I dated for years and broke up because we were not the same religion (long story).
Years later, I realized that this habit returned in dating. I wouldn’t swipe on somebody that didn’t have popcorn muscles and an attractive smile (read: who is also the neighborhood asshole). This likely kept me from people who were right for me – and kept me going for the asshole guy who would have fun shooting the shit with me but not prioritize time with me.
I had to (once again) look at my own habits and turn the focus to: How does this person make me feel? What qualities about them am I drawn to? What DO I find attractive? How does he make me feel safe? How does he make me feel seen?
How does this come up for you? What parts of how you show up in dating are you not proud of?