Watching MAID felt like watching a mirror into my life. It was cathartic, humanizing and depressing.
Reflecting back, I didn’t even really know I had been caught in a cycle of abuse until a few months after – I just knew that it FELT like my upbringing. I didn’t even know how bad it was until watching the show. When you watch someone say the same things that were said to you, in a show depicting domestic violence — it’s really triggering in a really necessary way.
The line that really killed me was “and tell the cops what? That he didn’t hit me?” when trying to explain to someone why she had to leave.
Looking back, I don’t think I ever made much sense when trying to talk to my friends or family about my experience. I remember telling my brother that I didn’t feel safe anymore and he replied, “you’re overreacting.” My therapist would give me tools to try to work on things, i’d come home and giving my best effort, and it would be thrown right back in my face within 2 minutes.
He never hit me. He didn’t take my things away. And he couldn’t stop me from leaving the house. But I would sit in my car a block away when coming home just to breathe and collect myself. I would make sure I was in bed before he got home from work. I wanted him to cheat on me, so I had an excuse to end it. I ended up getting a consulting job that required me to be in the office the 2 days he was home from work. I took all matters into my own hands and never asked for help: everything with our kid, everything with the apt, and everything with my own mental health.
But I had no bruises to show for it. I had no I just had declining mental health, pure exhaustion and burnout, and no strength to just get the fuck out. Others thought I was just being dramatic.
In one of my attempts to leave, I said: “I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this with you anymore.” He then told me I was weak. That one sign of struggle and I run.
One sign of struggle? At that point it had been 2 years.
Verbal and emotional abuse causes emotional pain and scarring that far outlasts many physical bruises. If someone you know is reaching out, please listen. They need you.