The Cycle of Abuse in a Domestic Partnership is important to understand if you are in an abusive relationship.
This is the simplest way I’ve seen the cycle described: the person gets hurt, the abuser gets away with it, and they claim that their victim is the crazy one.
The stages don’t all happen at once and it’s not all done the same way in each relationship. Sometimes it can happen within a couple of hours while other times it may take months.
This is a quick overview of the Cycle of Abuse:
The tension-building stage is the transition between the honeymoon and abuse stages.
In the honeymoon stage, we can get addicted to how the other person ‘makes’ us feel, and in the tension-building stage, the aggressor can “make” the other person responsible for the abuser’s emotions. There is likely passive aggression, or aggression, tension and stonewalling. The tension-building stage could also shift to neglect or abandonment. The victim is left wondering what changed.
This stage is characterized by “you made me” (displacing blame and/or responsibility) or “you always _____”.
As the tension begins to rise, the abuser becomes irritable and may start emotionally abusive behavior. They may become irrational and violent.
Which leads to the abusive incident in which their actions are in stark contrast to their words. Just as the honeymoon stage is not grounded in reality (being a fantasy projected by the participants), nor is the tension-building stage. The abuser projects all their blame onto the victim, the explosion stage is not grounded in reality either; the abuser outright blames the victim.
What follows is usually an apology. The abuser may present a genuine apology that you actually believe and promise to change. They will act like they feel remorse for the incident. This kind of apology will happen over and over again. You may hear “this isn’t me” and promises that “I can change” or “this isn’t me”.
The victim may begin to feel a false sense of security, believing that the abuse is finally over and that they won’t be put in that situation again.
But sometimes, and often, the victim will end up apologizing for “causing” the incident. The abuser may even push the blame onto the victim at this point, telling them that they were forced to respond the way that they did. Had the victim not acted in a certain way or said the wrong things, that they would never have been abused the way in which they did. The abusive individual may tell the victim that the abuse never took place, or that they are making up the severity of the incident.
After the reconciliation phase comes the Calm. There is usually a calm after the storm. This period of time could last for several weeks or months, or even as little as a few hours depending on the abusive individual and their situation. He or she at this point will live as if the incident never happened and the abuse is done.
But this is caused a cycle because it will inevitably start again. It’s important for you to be aware that any form of abuse will not go away on its own. That’s why it’s called a cycle. Seeking outside help and healing is the only way change will ever take place.
So how do you break the cycle? You might want to listen to this podcast on trauma bonding.
You will need to identify the abusive behavior and get a support system.
You will need to be honest with yourself about what you need.
You will need to accept responsibility for the choices in your life.
You will need to change your response. You can’t change their behavior but you can change your response so long as this does not put you in danger.
If you are reading this and need support, reach out to me. Sometimes just being validated and heard changes everything. I have life experience + extensive training on the subject. You are not alone.
I can support you even if you’re not ready for Coaching right now. Use the Clarity Session link to set up a call.