You’ve been accused of parental alienation — but let’s be honest about what that usually means.

Perhaps you simply showed up as yourself: loving, kind, consistent. Not abusive. Not manipulative. Just steady and safe.

Your child didn’t want to go to the other parent. You protected them. You listened to them. You sought solutions. Maybe you filed reports with various agencies. You sought help and support. Maybe you trusted systems that are designed to protect children that didn’t help you.

And now, you’re being punished for doing exactly what any good parent would do in the face of fear, trauma, or abuse.

Not because you coached your child. Not because you lied.

But because you showed up. Because you parented with truth and tenderness. Because you stayed connected. Because you were consistent. 

You named the abuse. You refused to keep putting your child in harm’s way.

And now the system is punishing you for simply being a safe parent.

You’ve read the articles. You’ve seen the forums. And over and over again, you run into one phrase: “parental alienation.”

But something about it doesn’t sit right.

It feels sterile. Clinical. Vague. Worse, it’s been turned around and used against you—accusing you of manipulation just because you tried to protect your child. Just because you set boundaries. Just because you told the truth.

Let’s be clear about what’s happening when someone accuses you of “parental alienation.”

When a Child Doesn’t Want to Go — What It Really Means

When a child begins to resist or refuse contact with a parent, the safe parent doesn’t take it lightly. They listen. They ask questions. They try to understand. They seek help — from therapists, from mediators, from the court. They hope the system will work.

If there’s been abuse, they may have made reports. They may have documented everything. They may have exhausted every option available — only to be met with minimization, dismissal, or even retaliation.

And still, they’re the ones blamed.

The threat of being accused of alienation looms large. And the narrative that gets spun — that a parent would intentionally make their child reject the other parent — is harrowing.

In reality, what’s often happening is this:

• The child is expressing fear, hurt, or discomfort.
• The safe parent is trying to honor those feelings while staying within a system that demands silence.
• The protective parent is painted as the problem for doing what any good parent would do: protect, validate, and believe their child.

This is not alienation. This is the consequence of ongoing abuse.

What They’re Saying vs. What They Mean

What they’re saying:

• “You’re turning the child against me.”
• “You’re brainwashing them.”
• “They’re rejecting me because you’re manipulating them.”
• “You’re interfering with our bond.”

What it actually means:

• “I’m losing control of the child, and I need someone to blame.”
• “They’re starting to see my abusive behavior, and it scares me.”
• “You’re no longer covering for me or enabling my access.”
• “You’re setting boundaries I don’t like.”

In reality, what they call “alienation” is often just a child responding to chronic emotional conflict, coercive control, or abuse—and a parent trying to protect them.

What Parental Alienation Actually Is

“Parental alienation” was coined in the 1980s by psychiatrist Richard Gardner. He described it as a situation where one parent “programs” or “brainwashes” a child to reject the other parent.

But what’s often left out is this: 

Richard Gardner had no scientific evidence for his claims. His work was not peer-reviewed. He regularly dismissed allegations of abuse and openly stated disturbing views about adult-child sexual relationships. He was a pedophile sympathizer. Courts and legal &.mental health professionals are still using his language to discredit protective parents.

Parental Alienation is the only disease diagnosed by the court.

The term “parental alienation” has since evolved into a courtroom weapon. It’s used to explain when one parent allegedly turns a child against the other.

But here’s the problem: it’s almost always used without context. It ignores patterns of abuse, coercion, and neglect. It fails to consider why a child may be pulling away. Too often, it is weaponized against the protective parent—most often mothers—who are simply responding to abuse.

It’s used to accuse survivors of brainwashing. It’s used to punish parents for advocating for their child’s safety. It’s used to erase emotional abuse and rebrand it as “co-parenting conflict.”

Parental alienation claims often attempt to recast the effects of abuse as the cause of it—blaming the protective parent for the child’s reaction to harm.

 

What to Do If You’re Afraid of Being Accused

First, know this: you are not alone. This fear is common—and valid—in abusive dynamics.

Here are a few things you can do:

• Document everything. Not just what they do, but what you do. Your efforts to support the relationship, your attempts to regulate conflict, and your child’s behavior over time.
• Use neutral language. Speak facts, not feelings, especially in written communication.
• Don’t coach your child. Let them speak for themselves if they feel safe, and avoid pushing narratives.
• Speak to a professional who understands coercive control and post-separation abuse. Not all therapists or attorneys are trauma-informed.
• Find your support system. Whether it’s a coach, a friend, or a survivor community—don’t isolate.

And remember: setting a boundary to protect your child is not alienation. It’s parenting.

What This Actually Is (And What to Call It)

Let’s name it for what it really is: a calculated campaign of coercive control—targeting both the parent and the child.

The parent doing this knows exactly what they’re doing. This isn’t a misunderstanding. It’s a deliberate attempt to erase the other parent, rewrite history, and sever a child’s connection to their safe caregiver.

They do it by engineering shame, guilt, and fear. They make the child feel disloyal for loving you. They twist normal emotional development into something weaponized.

They don’t just undermine you. They undermine your child’s sense of reality.

So what can we call it, if not “alienation”?

• Attachment sabotage
• Emotional triangulation
• Post-separation abuse
• Coercive control
• Abuse

These terms reflect the emotional and psychological manipulation without falling into pseudoscience. More importantly, they acknowledge the abuse driving the behavior.

This isn’t alienation. This is emotional abuse.

Here’s What You Need to Hear

When a survivor of abuse starts setting boundaries—when they stop pretending, stop covering, and start telling the truth—it doesn’t always look pretty. It doesn’t always look cooperative. And it doesn’t match the court’s fantasy of two parents smiling politely on the sidelines.

 

Here’s the truth:

You cannot co-parent with someone who is committed to control.

So when you:

• Stop forcing your child into unsafe situations
• Tell the truth when they ask hard questions
• Set boundaries around abuse
• Refuse to sugarcoat reality

…you get accused of “alienating” them.

But what you’re really doing is protecting them.

You are not turning your child against the other parent. You are refusing to let the other parent turn your child against themselves.

You are not manipulating. You are showing up—calmly, consistently, and with integrity—while the other parent plays games with your child’s heart.

You Are Not the Problem

You’re not overreacting.

You’re not crazy.

You’re not imagining it.

You are watching your child get pulled into a loyalty bind so deep it swallows their voice. And that grief you feel—that stabbing, aching loss—is valid.

You’re not just losing time with your child. You’re losing the version of them that once felt safe enough to love you out loud.

And still, the world tells you to “co-parent better,” “take the high road,” “not talk badly about your ex.”

But how do you co-parent with someone who’s trying to erase you?

You’re supposed to stay quiet while they rewrite the narrative. Smile while they cast themselves as the good parent and call you unstable. And every time you defend yourself—you’re told you are the problem.

That’s gaslighting. That’s DARVO. That’s abuse.

And it’s happening right in front of your child.

 

But You Are Not Powerless

There are words for what’s happening, even if the system refuses to use them. Even if the judge doesn’t see it. Even if the therapist sits on the fence.

There are people—like us—who see it. Who name it. Who will never tell you to “just get along.”

Because this isn’t about alienation.

It’s not estrangement.

It’s not miscommunication.

It’s abuse.

Your child is being triangulated. Enmeshed. Used.

And yes, they may be angry. They may reject you. That doesn’t mean you failed. That means someone else is working overtime to rewrite who you are in their eyes.

 

So stay steady.

Stay grounded in the truth.

Do not internalize the lies being told about you.

 

You are a good parent.

You are not the enemy.

You are not what they say you are.

And your child’s heart still remembers.

Somewhere, deep down, the bond is still there.

We believe you. We see you.

And we are not going to stop calling this what it is.

 

A Note to Share With Your Attorney

If you are a protective parent being falsely accused of parental alienation, and your attorney does not yet understand the dynamics of abuse, here’s what they need to know:

• The term “parental alienation” was created by Richard Gardner, a discredited psychiatrist who dismissed child abuse and supported deeply harmful views about children.
• The term lacks scientific grounding and is regularly used in court to silence abuse survivors—especially mothers—who are trying to protect their children.
• “Alienation” accusations are often a form of litigation abuse used by controlling or narcissistic parents to regain power, discredit the protective parent, and dismiss legitimate safety concerns.

Please help your legal team understand:

• This is not a custody dispute. This is post-separation abuse.
• This is not estrangement. This is a trauma response.
• Protective parenting should not be punished.
• The abuse that is happening and how to strategize.

If needed, share this article and ask your attorney to consult with a domestic violence-informed expert. You are not the first protective parent to face this, and you deserve representation that sees what’s really going on.

 

💛 You Deserve Support

If this post speaks to what you’re going through, you don’t have to carry it alone:

💬 Book a Validation Call for clarity, support, and strategy: high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com.

📚 Take the next step with a course like Divorcing a Narcissist 101 or The Documentation Course: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/collections

 

Helpful article:

Parental Alienation: A Disputed Theory With Big Implications: https://www.propublica.org/article/parental-alienation-and-its-use-in-family-court

We’ll say it louder each time: You are not the problem. And this isn’t parental alienation—it’s abuse, hiding in plain sight.