I used to think I just liked assholes

My story used to sound like this (and if you’ve been a long time client of mine, you’ve likely heard it): “When I was in my 20’s I took on the project of un-shallowing myself. I noticed I was going for the same kind of guy and getting the same result: an asshole with arm muscles who can go jab for jab with me from the get-go. But I quickly learned that THAT kind of guy would never prioritize me over his friends or the gym and didn’t care if he treated me like shit. I needed to learn how to go for the nice guy, who maybe didn’t have the initial spark and or the 6 pack, but would treat me like a princess if I let him.”

I am here to tell you that I now know that story doesn’t even scratch the surface of what was going on…

Here is the real story: I went for Narcissists because it was more familiar to feel *not good enough* than to feel valued. That was my version of safe. That was what I knew love to be. I didn’t know anything else – I didn’t grow up that way. I had an abusive step father and neglectful mother, and went for guys early on that were “cool” but never valued me. I then put myself in relationship with unavailable men and would leave the moment they started to like me. My system sabotaged every relationship with “nice guys” because it couldn’t handle it – it didn’t know what to do with it. I would just turn off. I thought something was wrong with me. But subconsciously, the Narcissists were triggering my old wounds in an addictive way: the discarding, the not good enough, the unloveable, the not feeling important, and my anxious attachment.

And even worse, leaving those “bad” relationships was so hard. Who stays with someone who treats them like shit?! I do.

In the 2 years I took off from dating (and sex) after I left my marriage, I started to work on all of this, but it took until the pandemic, when everything shut down and I couldn’t distract myself away from healing, to force myself to look at everything underneath the anxiety — to actually admit for the first time ever that I went through trauma, for a long time.

I am not sharing this for a sob story – I am sharing this because I know people will read it and resonate with it. I invite you to explore what is underneath your surface habits. What are you avoiding because you are afraid of feeling or admitting? “I don’t like nice guys” is a cop out – there is something underneath it. Reach out to me if you want to start exploring it 🤍