Many of my clients desperately want to know if (and how) their emotionally abusive partner can change.
This is very normal. You are likely an empathetic person who would make changes if you were hurting someone you care about.
This is not true for manipulative people.
Detecting actual change can be extremely difficult, because for most abusers make promises they can’t keep. For example, they may make commitments to never do it again, partially or fully admitting to what they’ve done, or even starting therapy. This may seem like they want to change, but unfortunately, most of the time it’s just the abuser “grooming” his victim to believe he is changing enough that she stays.
True lasting change is a deeply transformative process, requiring deep work and committing to a life of changing your thinking.
And staying in a relationship because you’re hoping they might change may not be the best option.
Lundy Bancroft’s ’13 Signs of Change’ is extremely helpful to people caught in the Cycle of Abuse and may have difficulty discerning reality (because of gaslighting and constant devaluation).
————————–
The 13 Signs of Change are below with an extra description so you can ask yourself if it is true change:
1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners who he has abused. Denial and minimizing the need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. He can’t change if he is continuing to cover up, to others or himself, important parts of what he has done.
2. Acknowledge that abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he used, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk (with a therapist) about why his behaviors were unacceptable without slipping back into defending them (this is KEY).
3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. He needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become abusive and that he chooses how far to let himself go (most abusers do not progress past #3).
4. Recognize the effect his abuse had had on you (and your children), and show empathy. He needs to talk (in detail) about the short and long–term impact his abuse had had, including fear, loss of trust, anger . . . And he needs to do this without reverting to feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him.
5. Identify (in detail) his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak (in detail) about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as inferior, or believing that men aren’t responsible for their actions if “provoked” by a partner.
6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he’s stopping. You can look for examples such as improving how well he listens to you during conflicts and at other times. He has to show that he accepts the fact that you have rights and they are equal to his.
7. Re-evaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. He has to recognize that he has had mental habits of focusing on and exaggerating his grievances against you and his perceptions of your weaknesses to begin instead of compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.
8. Make amends for the damage he has done. He has to develop a sense that he has a debt to you and to your children because of his abusiveness. He can make up somewhat for his actions by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, talking with people who he has misled regarding the abuse and admitting to them he lied, paying for objects that he has damaged, and many other steps related to cleaning up the emotional and literal messes that his behaviors have caused.
9. Accept the consequences of his actions. He should stop whining about, or blaming you for, problems that result from his abuse, such as your loss of desire to be sexual with him, the children’s tendency to prefer you, or that he is on probation.
10. Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his improvement, such as saying that he won’t abuse long as you don’t raise your voice to him. If he backslides, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, “but I’ve done great for five months; you can’t expect me to be perfect,” as if a good period earned him chips to spend on occasional abuse.
11. Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so. This means saying goodbye to double standards, to flirting with other women, to taking off . . . while you look after the children, and to being allowed to express anger while you are not.
12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process. He cannot claim that his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,” or complain that he is sick of hearing about his abuse . . . and that “it’s time to get past all that.” He needs to come to terms with the fact that he will probably need to be working on his issues for good and that you may feel the effects of what he has done for many years.
13. Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future. His attitude that he is above reproach has to be replaced with a willingness to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and your children.
Overall, an abusive person would need to give up their sense of entitlement.
If this post was triggering for you, I can support you even if you’re not sure if you are ready for Coaching right now. Use the Clarity Session link to set up a call. We can talk it through.
If you would prefer a lighter, less committal option, I have an offering called the Relationship Recovery Call. This is a one off 90 minute call designed to help you make progress and design a plan on how to move forward in one session. You can book that here!
You can also listen to my podcast on this topic here.