One day, in the middle of another desperate Google search to figure out if I was losing my mind or being gaslit, I stumbled onto something that made everything snap into focus: Post Separation Abuse
At first, I slammed my laptop shut. I told myself this didn’t apply anymore—I’d left the relationship, I’d moved on. I was supposed to be free, right? But here’s the truth I couldn’t shake: the cycle of abuse didn’t end when I walked out the door. It was still there, lurking, just in a different form. Post-separation abuse is real, and if I’m being honest, it can be even more vicious than what happened during the relationship.
If you’ve left a high-conflict relationship but still feel trapped, constantly on edge, or like you’re losing your grip, you’re probably caught in this cycle too.
How Post-Separation Abuse Shows Up
Leaving was supposed to bring peace. That’s the story we tell ourselves—that once we break free, everything gets better. But when you’re dealing with a manipulator, they don’t just stop. The abuse evolves, gets more insidious. Here’s how the cycle plays out after you leave:
Weaponizing Parenting Time
They use your kids to keep you off balance. One week they want more time with them, the next they vanish, leaving you scrambling. Court orders? They treat them like suggestions. They show up late, or not at all, and make sure you’re the one always adjusting. It’s never about the kids. It’s always about keeping you emotionally unsteady.
Dragging You Through the Legal System
Abusers love a good legal battle because it’s just another arena for manipulation. They file false claims, refuse to settle, and twist the court’s perspective so they look like the victim and you look unstable. Every hearing is a chance for them to gaslight you on a larger stage, making you question your own reality.
Child Support as a Weapon
Child support isn’t about supporting the kids—it’s about control. They withhold payments, pay inconsistently, or use money to guilt-trip you. And somehow, they’ll always make it seem like you’re the unreasonable one.
Pretending to Care About the Kids
They’ll pull the “concerned parent” act, questioning your parenting choices and dragging third parties—therapists, doctors, child services—into it to make you feel like you’re failing. Their accusations are baseless, but they don’t care about facts. It’s about making you doubt yourself as a parent.
Relentless Communication Masquerading as Co-Parenting
They don’t stop texting or emailing, and it’s never just about the kids. The tone flips from aggressive to overly nice, leaving you guessing, always on edge. Half of the time, they’re rewriting history to make you question your memory. It’s gaslighting disguised as co-parenting.
Boundary Pushing
Even after you’ve left, they’ll still find ways to invade your space. Unannounced visits, showing up at school events, or constantly violating boundaries under the pretense of “co-parenting.” It’s intimidation, plain and simple.
You’re Not Crazy—This Is Post-Separation Abuse
Here’s the truth: the cycle doesn’t magically end when the relationship does. In fact, it can get worse, especially if you share kids or are tied up in court battles. This abuse isn’t always predictable—it can stretch out over months or hit you in waves with every court date or co-parenting interaction. There’s no logic to it, no clear pattern.
But make no mistake—if you look closely, you’ll see the cycle is still there, just with a new face.
You’re not crazy. You’re not imagining this. It’s post-separation abuse.
And this isn’t about unresolved conflict or disagreements over parenting. This is about control. Your ex doesn’t care about the kids’ best interests or fairness in court. They care about one thing: maintaining power over you.
How to Start Taking Back Control
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle. You can fight back. Here’s where you start:
- Document Everything
Every missed visit, every manipulative text, every false claim—record it all. It’s exhausting, I know, but documentation is your best defense. It’s how you protect yourself when the facts start getting twisted.
- Limit Contact
Use the gray rock method—keep your responses brief, boring, and only about logistics. Co-parenting apps are your friend here because they limit direct contact and create a record of communication. This minimizes their ability to manipulate and helps keep you grounded.
- Set and Hold Boundaries
Don’t let them bulldoze your boundaries just because “it’s for the kids.” Define what appropriate communication looks like and enforce it. You’re allowed to be firm, even if they try to guilt you into loosening your grip.
- Get Support
You don’t have to handle this alone. Find professionals who understand this type of abuse—a therapist, divorce coach, or legal advocate. Having someone who gets it can be a game-changer when you start feeling like you’re unraveling.
You’re Not Alone—Take the Next Step
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to stay stuck in this exhausting, never-ending cycle of manipulation. Take action. Start documenting, set boundaries, and get the support you deserve.
You can reach out to me at jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com